Turning away from American Idol

So I'm sitting here listening to Bob Dylan and I realized I haven't posted here in a while.
Part of the problem, is that I'm not playing on the street much, which will all change in a day or two because my bank account reads -62.53 right now. Please residents of Portland, help me pay dem bills.

So that picture up there. I drew it. I drew every wonderful line in it on a dry erase board. I couldn't be more proud. Especially of the red beard on the man up there. That's me. Or, is supposed to be me. Work with me here.

I played a show in the black box theatre at St. Ambrose University back on September 2nd.
Now, it's one thing playing a show and sharing your life with people who are enjoying your stories and your music. Its a totally other thing to play that show for people that love love love you. Love you like Garfield loves lasagna love you.

I remember looking out as I told this story about Jan the Quaker ( which should be my next post ) and seeing all these eyes fixed on me. fixed and barely believing what I was telling them. Fixed, and loving every second of seeing me in this element they've never seen before.

To say it was thrilling and wonderful would be such an understatement.

I love telling those stories, and playing my songs. I love it, and that more than anything else is why I do it.

Recently, I was accepted to the 2nd round of American Idol. I waited for 3 months, and just found out a few days back the auditions are back in Chicago in a few days.  Well, I'm in Portland, OR working on a once in a lifetime production of Midsummer Night's Dream, in the middle of the forest, with some of the best people I know. So this posed a bit of a problem.  Do I bail on that and do American Idol, or do I stay?

So, When I got the email, I panicked. How do i get there? who can i borrow money from? what songs? should i play guitar? should i make signs?

As I'm yelling on the phone with Emily Kurash, trying to explain how I could get back to Chicago, she stopped me and started asking me the questions I really needed to be thinking about.
- which were  -
 "Ryan, what do you want from American Idol?" and "Ryan, lets say you win. For just a moment. As crazy as that notion may be, the end all of American Idol is fame, fortune, and a career in pop music. So, do you want that?"

And you know, I've never had a goal of being on Broadway or having a platinum album. I've never wanted to be famous, and I've never even tried to sing pop music. I auditioned for American Idol on a whim, just to see what the auditions were like so I could tell my grandparents about it.

I was telling my dad, all this panic stuff, the logistics, how i could get there...this and that... and he stopped me and said, "Ryan, the one thing I haven't heard yet, is Dad, I REALLY want to do this!" He was right.
I was caught up in this idea of maybe making it big or something. When, in reality, I didn't even really want that.

SO. I decided to stay in Portland and finish out the run of the show. I guess that still sounds crazy to me. And Lord knows there's no garuntee I would be famous, or win American Idol, or get a contract or ANYTHING!
But, the important thing to me, at least, is that I looked at my life, had two paths that I could walk down, and chose one that made me so happy. Jessica Murillo answered the question, "Fame or Farm?" with this, "Fame or farm? Don't think about prizes, just do what you love."

Well Jessica, I love this place. I love this Portland town. and I'm staying. I woke up this morning, smelt the air, played a song on my guitar, had a cup of coffee, and said it out loud. I'm staying.


Life is funny sometimes. You never know when you're going to find out something about yourself. I never do at least.

Alright friends. A song is coming next. Be ready. :)

Ryan